I'm trembling as I type this.
I've come so far from where I was emotionally,mentally, spiritually.
Still I am tested.
I still get shaken to my core, a cliche now that I'm typing it and yet no other phrase to describe how I felt the day I saw him again.
240 days since our last kiss. 240 days since he said "I love you". 240 days later I see him in a tan jumpsuit and handcuffs accompanied by a guard. 5 feet away from me.
Of course I knew I would have to face him sooner or later,so I prepared myself. I prayed everyday, I had my favorite verse memorized, I listened to my empowering songs on the way to court, I breathed...
One of my favorite scenes from the breathtaking Netflix original, Anne with an E, is the scene when Anne races up the hill overlooking the ocean. She stands confidently on a cliff, breathing in the majestic moment, calm and enlightened. As the turbulent waves crash and rise below her. This was how I envisioned myself.
My feet are on the Rock.
However, I am only human. My heart and head are constantly at war with each other. Guilt and crippling despair are all I've felt about the tragedy of my marriage. Why not anger? Why don't I hate him? I hate people LIKE him, people that have done the things he's done, so why am I not angry?
We locked eyes for a split second, I didn't cower but I didn't look away either. I remained calm. Stoic.
My feet are on the Rock.
Later that night I felt led to pray for him. For his soul. I could feel the darkness surround him, I could almost see it. And I knew that the same darkness wanted me to hate him, the Devil wants me to be miserable, wants me to fail in raising my boys, wants me to commit unspeakable things, every day I see him, I'm haunted by a demon in the same image as the man I married. He wants me to fail. But my feet are on the Rock.
That night I prayed for Bryan's soul. I begged God to find him somehow and bring him into the light. That even though our relationship was completely destroyed, God could still find him. There's no darkness God can't snuff out. I HAVE to believe that. I have to believe that God is bigger than this darkness. As for me, God finds me everyday, maybe on the radio, in my baby's smile, in Ronin's maturity, in the kindness from complete strangers, in the support of my family. I know darkness will try, he will haunt me, berate me, confuse me, but I won't waver, I can't sink.
My feet are on the Rock.
"On Christ, the solid rock I stand All other ground is sinking sand So stomp your feet and clap your hands Our feet are on the rock "
- I Am They