Without Him

I remember that horrible week when I found out about Bryan's criminal actions, thinking "How do I do this without him?"

I remember seeing the woman I could be , she was confident, fierce, beautiful, fit, not struggling to keep her house and sanity. I wanted to be her so bad.

Ever since that tragic day, I feel like God has placed all of the right people in my life at the exact right time. My dreams weren't gone...just delayed.

There were dreams I never thought would come to fruition like my backyard, getting an SUV, and traveling. I have found that with INCREDIBLE feats of hard work..and the right village... all of these dreams are coming true.

Were there panic attacks? Oh yes. Were there sleepless night? tears? loneliness? anger? darkness? ....Yes

But through all of the bad parts, God was right there too... telling me to "just wait".

Maybe I relied on Bryan too much...not really emotionally...but more like...as a partner. Someone to explain things to me that I knew nothing about... when you're single people only think about how lonely you are. They see single moms as horny desperate women, maybe some are but not me.

I mostly miss not having to worry about things like a car or the backyard or house repairs.

But I am.

As I was shoveling dirt in my yard, by myself, it took me an insane long time and back pain...

But I did it.

I bought an SUV this week....knowing nothing about cars, doing the research, asking the right people...it was scary and overwhelming.

But I did it.

I'm making the right moves, slaying all my dreams I thought I lost, loving the woman I'm becoming...

Without him.